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Temperature
Conversion Table
oFahrenheit to oSYR
@ +70 degrees
Texans turn on the
heat and unpack the thermal underwear.
People in Syracuse swim in Oneida Lake to cool off.
@ +60 degrees
North
Carolinians try to turn on the heat.
People in Syracuse plant gardens.
@ +50 degrees
Californians shiver
uncontrollably.
People in Syracuse sunbathe.
@ +32 degrees
Distilled water freezes.
Oneida Lake water gets
a little thicker, good for swimming.
@ +20 degrees
Floridians put on coats, thermal underwear, gloves and woolly
hats.
People in Syracuse throw on a flannel shirt.
@ +15 degrees
Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat.
People
in Syracuse have the last cookout before it gets cold.
@ 0 degrees
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in
Syracuse get out their winter coats.
@ -10 degrees
People in Miami all die.
Syracusans lick the flagpole.
@
-20 degrees
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Syracuse sell cookies door to door.
@ -45 degrees
Microbial
life no longer survives on dairy products.
Cows in Onondaga County complain about farmers with cold hands.
@
-100 degrees
Mount St. Helen's core freezes.
People in Syracuse rent some videos.
@ -200 degrees
Santa Claus
abandons the North Pole.
Syracusans get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.
@ - 459.67 degrees
ALL atomic
motion stops (absolute zero in the Kelvin scale).
People in Syracuse
start saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya?"
@ -460 degrees
Hell freezes over.
Syracuse Orange win National Football Championship!
ENGINEERING DEFINITIONS
Theory is when you know everything and nothing is working. Practice is when everything is working and no one knows why. Organization is when nothing is working and everyone knows why.
Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are in Ft. Lauderdale for a two-week period
helping out on a project.
About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they
rub the lamp a genie appears and says " I will grant each of you one wish."
The hardware engineer says. "I want to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money
worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie grants his
wish.
The software engineer says. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a yacht cruising the Mediterranean,
no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie grants his wish.
Then it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.
"I want them both back after lunch" replies the project manager.
The Stuck Guillotine
During the French Revolution a priest, a lawyer and an
engineer are about to be guillotined.
The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope
and nothing happens -- he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention -- so he's let go.
The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't
release the blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too.
They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine,
he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem...."
SPECIAL!! - For
Engineering Managers
FEINT PRAISE
or
(how to give less
than great recommendations without getting sued)
Inept candidate - I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.
Difficulty
in getting along with fellow workers - I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine.
Lackluster
credentials - All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.
MORE FEINT PRAISE!
Lazy - In my opinion you will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you.
So unproductive
that the position would be better left unfilled - I can assure you that no person would be better for this job.
Not
worth consideration. - I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate
an offer of employment.
*
Pessimist: The cup is half empty.
Optimist: The cup is half full.
Engineer: The cup is twice as big as it should be!
*
Black
holes: Where God divided by zero.
*
*
Quantum Mechanics:
The
dreams stuff is made of.
*
*
Three engineering students
were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical Engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical Engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a Civil Engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
*
*
Difference between Mechanical
Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
*
The 6 stages
of any project:
1 Enthusiasm
2 Disillusionment
3 Panic
4 Search for the guilty
5 Punishment of the innocent
6 Reward of the non-participants
MORE CONSTRUCTION
DEFINITIONS:
ENGINEER'S ESTIMATE - The cost of construction in heaven
BID - A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.
bid
opening -
A poker game in which the losing hand wins.
CRITICAL PATH
METHOD -
A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.
CONSTRUCTION DEFINITIONS:
project manager - The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.
AUDITORS
- People who go in after the war is lost and bayonet the wounded.
lawyerS - People who go in after the auditors and strip the bodies.
(MORE NEXT MONTH)
ENGINEER: YOU MAY BE:
If you can name 6 Star Treck episodes.
If you window-shop at Radio Shack
If you carry on a one hour debate
over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run.
If you know the direction the water
swirls when you flush.
If you own one or more white short-sleeve
dress shirts.
If you have more toys than your
kids.
If your father sat 2 inches in front
of your family’s first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors and you grew up thinking that
was normal
If your wristwatch has more buttons
than a telephone.
If you know what http:// stands
for.
*
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